A nightmare come true

My life is over. Officially, absolutely over. OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My high schools years are done, finito~! I will never have a first kiss or even a boyfriend until I'm like 30!!!! MY WORST NIGHTMARE CAME TRUE! THE ABSOLUTE WORST!
Oh no it's fine, the apocolypse is said to happen at the beginning of my last year no worries..... UGH! WHY CAN'T THE WORLD END SOONER!
Alright I'll just get it out. Ty is not moving schools. He is not moving away, he just moved down the f*cking STREET!!! AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM TILL THE END OF HIGH SCHOOL! I STILL LOVE HIM DESPITE THE FACT WE HAVE GONE MORE THAN 7 MONTHS WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING AT EACH OTHER AND HE IS NOT THE SAME AS BEFORE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND IS MY BEST FRIEND (still)!!!!!!
Oh god I don't know what to do. I was as happy as ever to know he was moving. Because when he was gone I no longer had to think about him, or beat myself up for ruining EVERYTHING! I was going to Michigan after he moved across the state, I was going to forget all about him over the summer as I found a guy in Michigan who's like my cousin's friend or something and share that wonderful summer love (Narra: <- " I know what a fantasy, right. By the way I am back [narrator in the back of Hikari's mind]"), WITHOUT TY! But look who decided to stick around and ruin my life for the rest of my high school years. Just looking at him still haunts me. And i was just starting to think he was hot when i looked at him because he grew his hair out to the way it looked two summers ago. Oh god everyone, WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?!?!?! I'll never get a boyfriend, he is still going to hang around and I'll still have to think how I ruined everything and if I didn't we probably would still be happily and hopelessly inlove (if we ever were, I know I was) and how I can't have a boyfriend when I love Ty! (Narra: yes, she feels she has to turn down every guy because she still likes Ty. Ty doesn't even know she exists.)

I know I seem like I'm overreacting but this has been my worse nightmare forever and I am mortified, furious, and plain out feel-like-i-just-got-shot-in-the-head.
Going to drum to try to calm down,

Hikari

P.S. be happy and be online, for this means I'm going to be posting a lot again.

The Waves continue, but this little sailboat ain't givin' up!

Well this will probably be one of my last few posts, if I don't post with joy/absolute sadness when Ty leaves whenever this time. Hopefully when he does I will be out of town (spending the first part of my summer on the other side of the country with family and hopefully trying to find someone else to love tee hee)and I hope he doesn't even tell me when he's leaving. I hope I never see his no good eyes staring at me ever again if I go down near his town (which i do quite often) and I hope I never have to hear from him again. I know it sounds coldhearted and all and I will say I still love him more than anything and I've tried and tried to forget about him and all those times, oh my god when I think of them they seem to make themselves so big, so important, so wonderful. But I wish I could forget those and I have to face reality and know I can't.

And my heart is stupid. My heart doesn't realize he chiseled all the way through a long time ago, that he is not the same Ty. My heart is stupid because it doesn't realize that the guy with the million girlfriends and who suddenly became Mr. Popular, who doesn't reply to my "hi"s or smiles, who is so self-centered and low, the one who peers at me with eyes that are cold and lifeless, is not the same Ty I knew. And never will be. My heart is stubborn. So damn stubborn, that is a new quality I don't like about myself, I'm just so stubborn I can't let something go and I keep striving to get it even though-sadly to say- it is impossible. At least my head has cleared that up and now it's just love vs. logic. Logic tells me its not worth it and I know that, my heart is just so stubborn and thick!

Please leave sooner than I notice so I don't have to hear your laugh, your girlfriends chatting on about your greatness, and to see those dark eyes of yours. So I still have 71 days of seeing you until you are out of my life. ADIOS! And till then I will keep you all updated on how many days this storm will rage on, hoping that it'll pass by quicker than it is.
Hikari

P.S. Randomly I am actually listening to a song that the chorus is
"...I wanna get over you
But you're everywhere
And I just can't get away
I gotta get over you
Cause it's just not fair
That I still see your face

I heard your name today
I walked away
Cause everyone's still talking
I dont need that in my life
Got better things to do
Than worry about you
Im gonna keep on walking
But sometimes I don't know why

Well we had a good time
But time goes on..."

P.S.S. Will miss all of you!!! (but that doesn't mean we still can't talk ;P, check ICQ)

I'm (We're) Not Gonna Take it! [its an 80s song]

Alright well yes I still like him. And yes he dumped the mystery girl for Melissa. I don't know my hatred for him shall cast over my like for him and I think I'll be able to handle him until he moves. God, he is just so arrogant. I will still type and even though I don't like him as much as I used to I will say I just want to yell at him. And I'm not even the "give the yelling to the guy that broke the never-really-an-ex-girlfriend's heart" kind of person but for now that's how I feel, I'd have the guts I know I would. And I was talking to my friend and I always wondered why she never really cared about liking someone or going out with someone and I realized after reading some writing, she really just hates most guys. Cause most guys are just stuck up and think they are amazing and that they can get a girlfriend and dump her all willy-nilly. We are friends with a few guys but most of them don't have girlfriends or at least don't dump them after a month, and they're the first to realize that there is no point in using a girl like a disposable tissue. I think that's why we accept them. But for now I think I'm going to have to deal with the fact that Ty has joined the majority of guys who use girls like tissues and are off in their own "high and mighty world". (and it also seems he is doing that to most of his friends as well but I'm not going to bother getting information on that)
Maybe I'll try to start liking the guy I liked before Ty. We had known each other for like 10 years and I just saw him a week ago for the first time in three years and him and his parents were the same as always. He is polite, and very smart (after we got out of our international school he went into a very elite, expensive private school, so he's very grandiose) and just very nice to be around, and he has manners thank god. I mean yeah like polar opposite from Ty. Although I think I have some curse, all guys I like or used to like all started playing the drums.... like me. Back last year when Ty still liked me he started playing, there is this hot underclassmen I play with in the school jazz band (drums) but he has too many girls and I'm not gonna bother cause he's and underclassmen but he's just good looking (and taller, I'm really short trust me), and now the guy I used to like for so long picked it up not too long ago. Haha awkward right?
Well headin out for the city today to do some shopping at some cool vintage boutiques.
Taking votes on when Ty will dump Melissa. I've got mid-January.

Miss you all,
Hikari

Maybe Someday But Never Today

Well, I know you were all dreading this. It's really hard to write even. I'm giving up. Actually no, I'm TRYING to give him up. Yes, Ty. At first, when he "went out" with Favi I was fine, I thought it was just like y'know, not that big of a deal. When he dumped her because he liked TWO girls instead of paying attention to the fact he broke some nice girl's heart because she wasn't good enough anymore, I just worried about if one of the girls was me. Now after never talking to him, being out of his life ENTIRELY, I just beat myself more. I got so friggin close to becoming an anorexic just cause I thought it was all my fault that he wouldn't go out with me.
Then a week ago, I'm walking out of gym and there he is, surrounded by girls I DON'T KNOW, hugging one and all her friends laughing and people walking past and whistling and telling him he should hook up with her. I was in shock and that had ruined my day (no I didn't eat). I asked around to the friends of that girl (since she was the only one I knew) and they said:
"Well, all I know is that Ty already has a girlfriend but he likes Mel (the girl he was hugging that I know) but he doesn't want to dump his girlfriend for her. And all Mel's friends want to go out with Ty and want Mel to go out with Ty."
Once again, all this in one day I thought I was going to vomit. I wanted to vomit. I felt like shit. Writing this now is making me feel like shit, but I shall continue.
I was furious and jealous and sad all at the same time. He was like every low guy and girl in the school that just skips around and never comits to anything. THey just go out for a month (sometimes less) and then dump them because they don't like them anymore or they're are boring when usually the girl/boyfriend actually tried to hang out and the guy/girl who didn't care and ignored him/her and then blamed it on her by saying "I don't like you anymore" or "we never talk" and he/she dumps them. I have always, always, ALWAYS hated this soooooooo much and I could never,ever handle that which is why I never have but I have seen it repeated over time and time again. Which is why I have hated so many guys for trying to go out with me for I know they would do that. But Ty. TY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! He was never like this. He was never arrogant or threw away girls like they're dispossable. He never would do that. Would he? Or has I been cast under his spell all this time that he would have done it to me as well? Are all guys the same after a while?

So the one thing I know. No not that love sucks. I know I can't give up love cause then I would go into major "anti-love" mode and probably be some spinster frump for the rest of my life and never get out of some deep of depression. And plus you guys would come all the way over here and kick my @$$. But I know I need to forget him, cause obviously Ty forgot me a way long ago. I'm never getting him back anytime soon. And he's moving away in June. If I ever fall inlove with him again it will be if he moves back to Chicago (his hometown) where he loves and where I know I'm going (not because he likes it, I have always liked it and I have family there and my top choice for college is over there) when I do, but other than that he'll never like me as long as he's under 18, it's impossible. So I should forget him too or else I'm going to be a mess and beat myself up for not ever being able to date him.
No matter how much I hate him for being so cruel, no matter how much I wanna punch him and yell at him for manipulating my mind to the point where he takes it over and wipes out any sign of joy, motivation, and independence without even knowing I exhist.... I still can't get over him. That's my biggest problem that I all need you to help me with. My friends on Sora Scans tell me to just find a new guy to like but even if I try that I still can't get the Ty-that-enrages-me-so-much out of my head. I just need a way to get over him , to know that I don't need him.
Little insert:
Ever since I came under his spell I really never was myself, I changed completely and it was like I had 3 sometimes more voices in my head, all argueing with each other. They told me what to do and what not to do and it wasn't me... telling me what to do. Even in situations where Ty had nothing to do with it, they were there, and I hated them. They were like multi-personas, who wants that when all they do is disagree!?

So how do I get rid of this drug that Ty is? How do I quit? How do i accept the fact I'm giving up? I will say I am never happy about it, giving up or losing Ty, but its for the sake of myself, i can't keep doing this to myself. I think that's what's so hard, giving something up when you swore you would never give up again (i used to give up all the time) and give up something you love.
Well asking for help. Sorry to dissapoint you all, it's been rough,

Hikari

How to Start Over (that would be a good song title)

Ok well I know Cleo you are probably crying now I haven't been on in so long. I guess it really has taken its toll. But it has just been awkward, yknow? (and busy!) anyway, we're having break for a week so hopefully that'll give me time to try to wrap my head around my life. But I don't do you even want to hear about Ty? Do you even care anymore? Does anyone?
... Well I can't really say much. We put each other in a position of "break". We didn't have a fight, nothing happened really (well maybe Craz but she wasn't a big contributer [note she doesn't talk to either of us now]) but we just took a break from existence so to speak. It started when i started to ignore him purposefully for a week to see what would happen which resulted in a habit of ignoring and then he did the same thing. And that's the thing we're not upset at each other, we don't not want to talk. We just don't know what to say. It's like whatever comes out of either of our mouths will be totally wierd. Loss for words much, right?
Like today/yesterday, I'll be hanging out with some friends and he'll come up to talk and they'll give him hugs and say hi and then im the last one and we kinda just glance at each other really quick and then just forget. We don't even say hi. I think telepathically we do but we just can't actually squeeze it out. It's just like a break in time that we both happen to skip over.
And if i was smart and posted a few weeks ago, I said i was going to take a break from worrying so much about Ty but it seems now i have and haven't. I don't worry about him as much anymore but he was gone all week because of sickness then I got sick and I had to go to school for the last hour for a test and then he showed up and I looked him right in the eye and I about fainted. I think it was cause I had a high fever I all of a sudden overreacted cause i didn't expect him to be there but the next day I was fine. But just awkward things like that just kind of stump us both.... at least it LOOKS like he thinks the same... I don't know. I can't ask. Just wierd.

But he did get WoW back and invited me to play which was like the first time he had talked to me in like.... 6 weeks? it was a happy 5 min and 20 words but hey, he talked to me :D. He didn't forget me. He asked ME to play WoW with him :D. I dont know that makes me feel special, as long as I am not forgotten. My one dilemma is trying to figure out how to get out of this "break" that kind of dug its way into both our lives.
Miss you all, especially you Cleo,
Hikari

P.S. Cleo I have my rough for that drawing I said I would do for you eons ago

P.S.S. Tell Tokomi about me if you can if she even cares anymore since I know she doesn't really come on.

P.S.S.S. I'm thinking of changing my layout again....

Short leave to Italia!

Well indeed yes I will be gone the next couple days to go on vacation in Italia, searching for delectable food, the true local side of Napoli, and of course, hot Italian guys ;P! So i will be keeping another blog going ( http://slice-o-bread.livejournal.com ) that you are welcome to comment on, I'll try to post everyday since I'm not bringing my computer for the first time ever and I need to use an internet cafe in or nearby the hotel. But a quick Ty update:

Well it's been kinda rough and I guess I was kind of an idiot about him breaking up with Favi for..... he broke up with her like a month ago.... around the time he started ignoring me. So now i feel like a bit of an idiot but I still remain caught in the labyrinth. I've been beating myself up all week, thinking if I should just give up because I kept being all negative and telling myself there was little hope. But thank god thank god thank god someone was there to help me out. I talked to Hun and just by a few simple words he switched my whole mood and thought around! I don't know how he does it but he has a gift even if he barely ever talks. So i hadn't talked to Hun much either but he is pretty much the only guy I actually feel totally safe around, just cause I don't know, he makes me not worry so much. So i told him that I was terribly sorry for ignoring everyone as well and if he still wanted me to. I do agree I was worrying too much about annoying them and annoying Ty. But he said that they really liked having me around and that they'd wish I'd come and walk with them again and not to worry. He just makes me soo happy <3! So now I'm able to smile with courage and I barely think badly about myself anymore ^^. I still worry about whether or not Ty likes me but I'm going to keep smiling and hopefully it'll become easier and easier to be around him. I was able to talk to him without thinking so much today. It felt good.
Well wish me luck in Italia please stay intouch!

Making her way graciously through that labyrinth,
Lovestruck Hikari

P.S. I'll be in Germany (munich the time in [16th] and Frankfurt [26th] on the way out). I won't see you guys but at least I'll feel close, ne? ^^

Knocking at my loudest

ok quick post. he hasn't recieved the message i think yet because i havent said hi and thus the previous message doesnt show up. But now after much contemplation im going to do it and make sure he knows. My heart is beating so fast >_<
PLEASE LET ME IN TY! Please....

With hope (and a slight head cold),
Hikari

P.S. He did seem worried about me yesterday and he gave me a starry gaze (at least maybe i viewed it wrong since im so inlove with him) today, kya! WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!