OK quickie cause I gotta get to school:
Well I think this is a case of give people the advice I should take myself. Had a total meltdown yesterday, but like really really bad. I think it was the fact that I was PMSing as well as my mind is trying to get me to think things and my mom is saying I just have multiple personalities. Hell ya i do and i can't get all these friggin voices out of my head! So now it seems as if I'm just having Ty being the center of all my problems (and puberty) so I'm really getting at myself (e.g. in only 20 min i went from total selfish, whiny smart a** to crying wreck saying I hate myself to completly normal and wanting to do something to anxiety and heavy breathing and freaking out over myself and then crying wreck again..... really annoying). So now im normal I think cause i went to bed at like 8. Didn't eat. Didn't do anything. Just crashed. And i woke up really early (as you can see i'm writing this entry in the morning here) to do my homework. I haven't gone to bed that early in........ eons. It's amazing. But i feel better now.
I just think the problem is, I wonder if Ty realizes more than i think he does. Cause remember i did that experiment 2 weeks ago? Well now it's almost like he's giving it back to me. I'm sending him plenty of txts and stuff but he's not answering me and I'm trying really hard to smile all the time but when he won't even acknowledge me how can I? This is worrying me. Plus i never got to talking with Craz but now she's acting like she wants to be best friends with me, it's REALLY wierd. She hasn't hassled me and I haven't heard her go on and on on lies (although she still talks to obnoxiously) but now she's just plain annoying. And it doesn't seem Ty is talking to EITHER of us. WHAT IS GOING ON!? Well gotta go, got school in an hour and i still reak of chlorine from the pool last night.
The road is missing!?
Hikari
Another song I think explains how I feel, Sunkissed by iLo:
"He's got a nice sounding name like an O' Holliday
And if you share with me the old times
I'm sure we could lay awake a while
There's a thousand year heat wave
Smoking my head
And if the sun could kiss a new day
I'm sure that we would stay in bed a while
Don't stop breathing if you're stuck in a well
There's a hole in the sky and you're stuck in a shell
But the ground that you're standing on belongs to you
Like a bubble or a bee all things go up and down
Don't forget to look up at the sky
At the stars, and the trees, and the moon and the night
Don't forget that tomorrow is a brand new day
Like a bubble or a bird all things go up and down..."
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
The Preparation for the Great Battle
Who thought this road could have such a battlefield in the middle of it? And of course I can't get past to the City of Love until this great battle is over. I guess life is never easy is it.
Whelp i should've seen this coming but i guess for once i didn't. I know i haven't written in a while but now i do have something to write on. A battle. And i bet you can guess with who. Yup, Craz. Basically, all our friends really want us to stop hating each other and they said that we don't have to be friends but we just can't hate each other anymore. And of course I'm not going to get any closer to being with Ty unless I overcome Craz. So i must fight until I can continue and get near Ty again. Both Craz and I know we are going to have to figure this out I just hope that she realizes this is a battlefield of just the two of us. No army and no friends. I don't know what i'm going to do if she brings someone like Ty into it but for now i won't focus on that. But i wished we could settle this peacefully and easily from the start but after plenty of times of trying to do that, that is no longer possible. It won't be good but at least we'll try to keep this civil.... I hope. Here are some examples of me trying to settle this peacefully:
1st Fight
Time: April-ish
Communication: Direct, IM
On: Her attitude
I was still friends with her but she didn't like me being friends with others so she always lied about me saying mean things to her and telling people i hated her when infact I still sat with her and talked to her all the time and didn't even remotely hate her. I confronted her by sucking up and that pretty much got me nowhere. After that was when i found out she lied about everything and that she had been telling bad stuff about me behind MY back. (i know! the dreaded soap opera i hoped i'd never run into when i switched over to hanging out with guys two years ago. GUESS NOT!)
2nd Time
Time: Early summer
Communication: IM
On: Lying, Attitude, Friends, Care
Probably the biggest fight we have had, this one was over instant messenger and lasted probably around 4-5 hours! This was about her lying, self-obsession, gossiping, and overall personality issues. The funny part is that first she started out like it was my fault then went on about excuses then went to that i was an idiot and then she had a problem and she told me it was my responsibility as a "friend" to solve other people's problem (in this case her's ) then to the conclusion that all her unhappiness is all my fault and i'm the worst person and im the person that got her all screwed up and im just jealous and that I just try to ruin her life for fun (which i definetly am not and don't!). So as you can see she pretty much did a circle arguement which i now because my dad does the same thing (starts out saying one thing then argues their way over to the opposite opinion by the end of an arguement and totally confusing you and telling you it's all your fault and you are stupid even though by the end you share the same opinion and just don't know it, yes i know VERY manipulative.)
1. My fault, I don't pay enough attention to her, I don't "worship" her
2. She accepts she has a problem but i'm the person that's supposed to help her because I'm her "best friend" and I need to fix all her personal problems
3. A big mini arguement about her lying, which she STILL denies even though i have full proof and she has been banned from deviantART for art theft more than 5 times! Imitation: "Oh no i drew this! These people just copied me!" ya right! it is so noticeable its art theft idiot!
4. Another big mini arguement on her hypocracy and how she always puts down people and is mean even though she does the same thing. She still does this an also won't admit it. She blames it on me and says im the hypocrite and everything, when im not cause i stick to my word. And also calling me negative when she was talking about how screwed her life is and she is so emo two hours earlier and i was the one trying to cheer her up then and then i hated her by the end of the arguement.
5. I caused all her unhappiness, I'm just jealous of her so i try to ruin her life and make her look bad
So ya after that arguement i blocked her cause she started calling REALLY bad names and using the F-word A LOT even though she yells at everyone for just saying sh*t but now she like cusses alllll theee timmmeee!
3rd Time
Time: Early September
Communication: Direct, infront of Ty
On: Lying, Her attitude, her manipulation, her rumors/gossip, taking my friends, controlling others, her "i'm god do whatever i tell you" outlook
Ok I don't think i talked to anyone about this except Cleo. Basically I was walking to school and I saw Ty and Craz walking together so i waited and started walking with them. Immedialty Craz says: "We don't you walking with us go find your own friends since you seem so pre-occupied with me". i shot back and we faught the whole way to school. Everything i told her she was doing to me and all the things about her lying and such, she would rebuttel and say that's what i did. Ty didn't come in between us and he turned his iPod up super high so he couldn't here us. But she acted as if Ty was her piece of property and still does and she kept saying i was the negative one who is self-concious and talking smack about her and is just jealous because she can draw better than me which 1) she cant 2) i could care less cause im not too big on drawing anymore, its not even a hobby. i just do it when i am bored so i don't care who's better anymore anyway! I was totally pissed that whole day. And this was also after i told Ty about her lying and he didn't believe me. I don't really know now if he still thinks im jealous of her (which for the final time i will make clear I AM NOT JEALOUS AND I HAVE NO REASON TO BE CAUSE I DON'T WANT OR NEED ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE AND AM PERFECTLY HAPPY [except of course Ty but he doesn't have to do with Craz in that way]). So then i did an experiment a week ago where i completly ignored Ty and would see if he would ask why i was. He didn't ask the whole week but it was kinda funny cause when Craz saw i wasn't paying attention to Ty she didn't bother to talk to him much either. And she really is jealous of me i think because she's like questioning me and because ive done French for 8 years now she's trying to learn French and trying to speak it to people and get them to think she is part French along with British, Australian, Japanese, Scottish, and many many other nationalities even though she is morman from Utah who's last name i believe is either Irish or British. Wow she really is screwed up.
So now here i am and everyone is sick of us two keeping everyone out of line so i need to start this battle soon or this hell is going to continue. What i need from you guys is all this weekend im going to be working up strategies and things i need to avoid when getting into this hopefully final arguement that ends in a way we both agree with and it doesn't happen again. I'm asking only a few other friends and my wise mother but i have all weekend to brainstorm. I'll probably try to talk to her next week and try to settle this also since next week is a 4-day week. So how should i confront her? What do you suggest i: start out with, try to avoid, try to fix and how to do it peacefully? Stuff like that! Please everyone help and maybe even have others try to help, any advice is good advice!!!
And Cleo talked about how she wantes to change and how autumn is only a few days away it is the perfect time to change. I think if i can get through this battle successfully i can use that as my start to change. Change with Craz. Change with my friends. Change in myself. And Change with Ty.
please help so i can get to the road that lay beyond the battlefield,
Hikari
P.S. sorry if i sound needy or pathetic i just really need help especially from all you: Carrie, Cleo, and tokomi! I just want to settle this so i can get on with my life
Whelp i should've seen this coming but i guess for once i didn't. I know i haven't written in a while but now i do have something to write on. A battle. And i bet you can guess with who. Yup, Craz. Basically, all our friends really want us to stop hating each other and they said that we don't have to be friends but we just can't hate each other anymore. And of course I'm not going to get any closer to being with Ty unless I overcome Craz. So i must fight until I can continue and get near Ty again. Both Craz and I know we are going to have to figure this out I just hope that she realizes this is a battlefield of just the two of us. No army and no friends. I don't know what i'm going to do if she brings someone like Ty into it but for now i won't focus on that. But i wished we could settle this peacefully and easily from the start but after plenty of times of trying to do that, that is no longer possible. It won't be good but at least we'll try to keep this civil.... I hope. Here are some examples of me trying to settle this peacefully:
1st Fight
Time: April-ish
Communication: Direct, IM
On: Her attitude
I was still friends with her but she didn't like me being friends with others so she always lied about me saying mean things to her and telling people i hated her when infact I still sat with her and talked to her all the time and didn't even remotely hate her. I confronted her by sucking up and that pretty much got me nowhere. After that was when i found out she lied about everything and that she had been telling bad stuff about me behind MY back. (i know! the dreaded soap opera i hoped i'd never run into when i switched over to hanging out with guys two years ago. GUESS NOT!)
2nd Time
Time: Early summer
Communication: IM
On: Lying, Attitude, Friends, Care
Probably the biggest fight we have had, this one was over instant messenger and lasted probably around 4-5 hours! This was about her lying, self-obsession, gossiping, and overall personality issues. The funny part is that first she started out like it was my fault then went on about excuses then went to that i was an idiot and then she had a problem and she told me it was my responsibility as a "friend" to solve other people's problem (in this case her's ) then to the conclusion that all her unhappiness is all my fault and i'm the worst person and im the person that got her all screwed up and im just jealous and that I just try to ruin her life for fun (which i definetly am not and don't!). So as you can see she pretty much did a circle arguement which i now because my dad does the same thing (starts out saying one thing then argues their way over to the opposite opinion by the end of an arguement and totally confusing you and telling you it's all your fault and you are stupid even though by the end you share the same opinion and just don't know it, yes i know VERY manipulative.)
1. My fault, I don't pay enough attention to her, I don't "worship" her
2. She accepts she has a problem but i'm the person that's supposed to help her because I'm her "best friend" and I need to fix all her personal problems
3. A big mini arguement about her lying, which she STILL denies even though i have full proof and she has been banned from deviantART for art theft more than 5 times! Imitation: "Oh no i drew this! These people just copied me!" ya right! it is so noticeable its art theft idiot!
4. Another big mini arguement on her hypocracy and how she always puts down people and is mean even though she does the same thing. She still does this an also won't admit it. She blames it on me and says im the hypocrite and everything, when im not cause i stick to my word. And also calling me negative when she was talking about how screwed her life is and she is so emo two hours earlier and i was the one trying to cheer her up then and then i hated her by the end of the arguement.
5. I caused all her unhappiness, I'm just jealous of her so i try to ruin her life and make her look bad
So ya after that arguement i blocked her cause she started calling REALLY bad names and using the F-word A LOT even though she yells at everyone for just saying sh*t but now she like cusses alllll theee timmmeee!
3rd Time
Time: Early September
Communication: Direct, infront of Ty
On: Lying, Her attitude, her manipulation, her rumors/gossip, taking my friends, controlling others, her "i'm god do whatever i tell you" outlook
Ok I don't think i talked to anyone about this except Cleo. Basically I was walking to school and I saw Ty and Craz walking together so i waited and started walking with them. Immedialty Craz says: "We don't you walking with us go find your own friends since you seem so pre-occupied with me". i shot back and we faught the whole way to school. Everything i told her she was doing to me and all the things about her lying and such, she would rebuttel and say that's what i did. Ty didn't come in between us and he turned his iPod up super high so he couldn't here us. But she acted as if Ty was her piece of property and still does and she kept saying i was the negative one who is self-concious and talking smack about her and is just jealous because she can draw better than me which 1) she cant 2) i could care less cause im not too big on drawing anymore, its not even a hobby. i just do it when i am bored so i don't care who's better anymore anyway! I was totally pissed that whole day. And this was also after i told Ty about her lying and he didn't believe me. I don't really know now if he still thinks im jealous of her (which for the final time i will make clear I AM NOT JEALOUS AND I HAVE NO REASON TO BE CAUSE I DON'T WANT OR NEED ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE AND AM PERFECTLY HAPPY [except of course Ty but he doesn't have to do with Craz in that way]). So then i did an experiment a week ago where i completly ignored Ty and would see if he would ask why i was. He didn't ask the whole week but it was kinda funny cause when Craz saw i wasn't paying attention to Ty she didn't bother to talk to him much either. And she really is jealous of me i think because she's like questioning me and because ive done French for 8 years now she's trying to learn French and trying to speak it to people and get them to think she is part French along with British, Australian, Japanese, Scottish, and many many other nationalities even though she is morman from Utah who's last name i believe is either Irish or British. Wow she really is screwed up.
So now here i am and everyone is sick of us two keeping everyone out of line so i need to start this battle soon or this hell is going to continue. What i need from you guys is all this weekend im going to be working up strategies and things i need to avoid when getting into this hopefully final arguement that ends in a way we both agree with and it doesn't happen again. I'm asking only a few other friends and my wise mother but i have all weekend to brainstorm. I'll probably try to talk to her next week and try to settle this also since next week is a 4-day week. So how should i confront her? What do you suggest i: start out with, try to avoid, try to fix and how to do it peacefully? Stuff like that! Please everyone help and maybe even have others try to help, any advice is good advice!!!
And Cleo talked about how she wantes to change and how autumn is only a few days away it is the perfect time to change. I think if i can get through this battle successfully i can use that as my start to change. Change with Craz. Change with my friends. Change in myself. And Change with Ty.
please help so i can get to the road that lay beyond the battlefield,
Hikari
P.S. sorry if i sound needy or pathetic i just really need help especially from all you: Carrie, Cleo, and tokomi! I just want to settle this so i can get on with my life
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