Alright well yes I still like him. And yes he dumped the mystery girl for Melissa. I don't know my hatred for him shall cast over my like for him and I think I'll be able to handle him until he moves. God, he is just so arrogant. I will still type and even though I don't like him as much as I used to I will say I just want to yell at him. And I'm not even the "give the yelling to the guy that broke the never-really-an-ex-girlfriend's heart" kind of person but for now that's how I feel, I'd have the guts I know I would. And I was talking to my friend and I always wondered why she never really cared about liking someone or going out with someone and I realized after reading some writing, she really just hates most guys. Cause most guys are just stuck up and think they are amazing and that they can get a girlfriend and dump her all willy-nilly. We are friends with a few guys but most of them don't have girlfriends or at least don't dump them after a month, and they're the first to realize that there is no point in using a girl like a disposable tissue. I think that's why we accept them. But for now I think I'm going to have to deal with the fact that Ty has joined the majority of guys who use girls like tissues and are off in their own "high and mighty world". (and it also seems he is doing that to most of his friends as well but I'm not going to bother getting information on that)
Maybe I'll try to start liking the guy I liked before Ty. We had known each other for like 10 years and I just saw him a week ago for the first time in three years and him and his parents were the same as always. He is polite, and very smart (after we got out of our international school he went into a very elite, expensive private school, so he's very grandiose) and just very nice to be around, and he has manners thank god. I mean yeah like polar opposite from Ty. Although I think I have some curse, all guys I like or used to like all started playing the drums.... like me. Back last year when Ty still liked me he started playing, there is this hot underclassmen I play with in the school jazz band (drums) but he has too many girls and I'm not gonna bother cause he's and underclassmen but he's just good looking (and taller, I'm really short trust me), and now the guy I used to like for so long picked it up not too long ago. Haha awkward right?
Well headin out for the city today to do some shopping at some cool vintage boutiques.
Taking votes on when Ty will dump Melissa. I've got mid-January.
Miss you all,
Hikari
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Maybe Someday But Never Today
Well, I know you were all dreading this. It's really hard to write even. I'm giving up. Actually no, I'm TRYING to give him up. Yes, Ty. At first, when he "went out" with Favi I was fine, I thought it was just like y'know, not that big of a deal. When he dumped her because he liked TWO girls instead of paying attention to the fact he broke some nice girl's heart because she wasn't good enough anymore, I just worried about if one of the girls was me. Now after never talking to him, being out of his life ENTIRELY, I just beat myself more. I got so friggin close to becoming an anorexic just cause I thought it was all my fault that he wouldn't go out with me.
Then a week ago, I'm walking out of gym and there he is, surrounded by girls I DON'T KNOW, hugging one and all her friends laughing and people walking past and whistling and telling him he should hook up with her. I was in shock and that had ruined my day (no I didn't eat). I asked around to the friends of that girl (since she was the only one I knew) and they said:
"Well, all I know is that Ty already has a girlfriend but he likes Mel (the girl he was hugging that I know) but he doesn't want to dump his girlfriend for her. And all Mel's friends want to go out with Ty and want Mel to go out with Ty."
Once again, all this in one day I thought I was going to vomit. I wanted to vomit. I felt like shit. Writing this now is making me feel like shit, but I shall continue.
I was furious and jealous and sad all at the same time. He was like every low guy and girl in the school that just skips around and never comits to anything. THey just go out for a month (sometimes less) and then dump them because they don't like them anymore or they're are boring when usually the girl/boyfriend actually tried to hang out and the guy/girl who didn't care and ignored him/her and then blamed it on her by saying "I don't like you anymore" or "we never talk" and he/she dumps them. I have always, always, ALWAYS hated this soooooooo much and I could never,ever handle that which is why I never have but I have seen it repeated over time and time again. Which is why I have hated so many guys for trying to go out with me for I know they would do that. But Ty. TY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! He was never like this. He was never arrogant or threw away girls like they're dispossable. He never would do that. Would he? Or has I been cast under his spell all this time that he would have done it to me as well? Are all guys the same after a while?
So the one thing I know. No not that love sucks. I know I can't give up love cause then I would go into major "anti-love" mode and probably be some spinster frump for the rest of my life and never get out of some deep of depression. And plus you guys would come all the way over here and kick my @$$. But I know I need to forget him, cause obviously Ty forgot me a way long ago. I'm never getting him back anytime soon. And he's moving away in June. If I ever fall inlove with him again it will be if he moves back to Chicago (his hometown) where he loves and where I know I'm going (not because he likes it, I have always liked it and I have family there and my top choice for college is over there) when I do, but other than that he'll never like me as long as he's under 18, it's impossible. So I should forget him too or else I'm going to be a mess and beat myself up for not ever being able to date him.
No matter how much I hate him for being so cruel, no matter how much I wanna punch him and yell at him for manipulating my mind to the point where he takes it over and wipes out any sign of joy, motivation, and independence without even knowing I exhist.... I still can't get over him. That's my biggest problem that I all need you to help me with. My friends on Sora Scans tell me to just find a new guy to like but even if I try that I still can't get the Ty-that-enrages-me-so-much out of my head. I just need a way to get over him , to know that I don't need him.
Little insert:
Ever since I came under his spell I really never was myself, I changed completely and it was like I had 3 sometimes more voices in my head, all argueing with each other. They told me what to do and what not to do and it wasn't me... telling me what to do. Even in situations where Ty had nothing to do with it, they were there, and I hated them. They were like multi-personas, who wants that when all they do is disagree!?
So how do I get rid of this drug that Ty is? How do I quit? How do i accept the fact I'm giving up? I will say I am never happy about it, giving up or losing Ty, but its for the sake of myself, i can't keep doing this to myself. I think that's what's so hard, giving something up when you swore you would never give up again (i used to give up all the time) and give up something you love.
Well asking for help. Sorry to dissapoint you all, it's been rough,
Hikari
Then a week ago, I'm walking out of gym and there he is, surrounded by girls I DON'T KNOW, hugging one and all her friends laughing and people walking past and whistling and telling him he should hook up with her. I was in shock and that had ruined my day (no I didn't eat). I asked around to the friends of that girl (since she was the only one I knew) and they said:
"Well, all I know is that Ty already has a girlfriend but he likes Mel (the girl he was hugging that I know) but he doesn't want to dump his girlfriend for her. And all Mel's friends want to go out with Ty and want Mel to go out with Ty."
Once again, all this in one day I thought I was going to vomit. I wanted to vomit. I felt like shit. Writing this now is making me feel like shit, but I shall continue.
I was furious and jealous and sad all at the same time. He was like every low guy and girl in the school that just skips around and never comits to anything. THey just go out for a month (sometimes less) and then dump them because they don't like them anymore or they're are boring when usually the girl/boyfriend actually tried to hang out and the guy/girl who didn't care and ignored him/her and then blamed it on her by saying "I don't like you anymore" or "we never talk" and he/she dumps them. I have always, always, ALWAYS hated this soooooooo much and I could never,ever handle that which is why I never have but I have seen it repeated over time and time again. Which is why I have hated so many guys for trying to go out with me for I know they would do that. But Ty. TY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! He was never like this. He was never arrogant or threw away girls like they're dispossable. He never would do that. Would he? Or has I been cast under his spell all this time that he would have done it to me as well? Are all guys the same after a while?
So the one thing I know. No not that love sucks. I know I can't give up love cause then I would go into major "anti-love" mode and probably be some spinster frump for the rest of my life and never get out of some deep of depression. And plus you guys would come all the way over here and kick my @$$. But I know I need to forget him, cause obviously Ty forgot me a way long ago. I'm never getting him back anytime soon. And he's moving away in June. If I ever fall inlove with him again it will be if he moves back to Chicago (his hometown) where he loves and where I know I'm going (not because he likes it, I have always liked it and I have family there and my top choice for college is over there) when I do, but other than that he'll never like me as long as he's under 18, it's impossible. So I should forget him too or else I'm going to be a mess and beat myself up for not ever being able to date him.
No matter how much I hate him for being so cruel, no matter how much I wanna punch him and yell at him for manipulating my mind to the point where he takes it over and wipes out any sign of joy, motivation, and independence without even knowing I exhist.... I still can't get over him. That's my biggest problem that I all need you to help me with. My friends on Sora Scans tell me to just find a new guy to like but even if I try that I still can't get the Ty-that-enrages-me-so-much out of my head. I just need a way to get over him , to know that I don't need him.
Little insert:
Ever since I came under his spell I really never was myself, I changed completely and it was like I had 3 sometimes more voices in my head, all argueing with each other. They told me what to do and what not to do and it wasn't me... telling me what to do. Even in situations where Ty had nothing to do with it, they were there, and I hated them. They were like multi-personas, who wants that when all they do is disagree!?
So how do I get rid of this drug that Ty is? How do I quit? How do i accept the fact I'm giving up? I will say I am never happy about it, giving up or losing Ty, but its for the sake of myself, i can't keep doing this to myself. I think that's what's so hard, giving something up when you swore you would never give up again (i used to give up all the time) and give up something you love.
Well asking for help. Sorry to dissapoint you all, it's been rough,
Hikari
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