Well, I know you were all dreading this. It's really hard to write even. I'm giving up. Actually no, I'm TRYING to give him up. Yes, Ty. At first, when he "went out" with Favi I was fine, I thought it was just like y'know, not that big of a deal. When he dumped her because he liked TWO girls instead of paying attention to the fact he broke some nice girl's heart because she wasn't good enough anymore, I just worried about if one of the girls was me. Now after never talking to him, being out of his life ENTIRELY, I just beat myself more. I got so friggin close to becoming an anorexic just cause I thought it was all my fault that he wouldn't go out with me.
Then a week ago, I'm walking out of gym and there he is, surrounded by girls I DON'T KNOW, hugging one and all her friends laughing and people walking past and whistling and telling him he should hook up with her. I was in shock and that had ruined my day (no I didn't eat). I asked around to the friends of that girl (since she was the only one I knew) and they said:
"Well, all I know is that Ty already has a girlfriend but he likes Mel (the girl he was hugging that I know) but he doesn't want to dump his girlfriend for her. And all Mel's friends want to go out with Ty and want Mel to go out with Ty."
Once again, all this in one day I thought I was going to vomit. I wanted to vomit. I felt like shit. Writing this now is making me feel like shit, but I shall continue.
I was furious and jealous and sad all at the same time. He was like every low guy and girl in the school that just skips around and never comits to anything. THey just go out for a month (sometimes less) and then dump them because they don't like them anymore or they're are boring when usually the girl/boyfriend actually tried to hang out and the guy/girl who didn't care and ignored him/her and then blamed it on her by saying "I don't like you anymore" or "we never talk" and he/she dumps them. I have always, always, ALWAYS hated this soooooooo much and I could never,ever handle that which is why I never have but I have seen it repeated over time and time again. Which is why I have hated so many guys for trying to go out with me for I know they would do that. But Ty. TY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! He was never like this. He was never arrogant or threw away girls like they're dispossable. He never would do that. Would he? Or has I been cast under his spell all this time that he would have done it to me as well? Are all guys the same after a while?
So the one thing I know. No not that love sucks. I know I can't give up love cause then I would go into major "anti-love" mode and probably be some spinster frump for the rest of my life and never get out of some deep of depression. And plus you guys would come all the way over here and kick my @$$. But I know I need to forget him, cause obviously Ty forgot me a way long ago. I'm never getting him back anytime soon. And he's moving away in June. If I ever fall inlove with him again it will be if he moves back to Chicago (his hometown) where he loves and where I know I'm going (not because he likes it, I have always liked it and I have family there and my top choice for college is over there) when I do, but other than that he'll never like me as long as he's under 18, it's impossible. So I should forget him too or else I'm going to be a mess and beat myself up for not ever being able to date him.
No matter how much I hate him for being so cruel, no matter how much I wanna punch him and yell at him for manipulating my mind to the point where he takes it over and wipes out any sign of joy, motivation, and independence without even knowing I exhist.... I still can't get over him. That's my biggest problem that I all need you to help me with. My friends on Sora Scans tell me to just find a new guy to like but even if I try that I still can't get the Ty-that-enrages-me-so-much out of my head. I just need a way to get over him , to know that I don't need him.
Little insert:
Ever since I came under his spell I really never was myself, I changed completely and it was like I had 3 sometimes more voices in my head, all argueing with each other. They told me what to do and what not to do and it wasn't me... telling me what to do. Even in situations where Ty had nothing to do with it, they were there, and I hated them. They were like multi-personas, who wants that when all they do is disagree!?
So how do I get rid of this drug that Ty is? How do I quit? How do i accept the fact I'm giving up? I will say I am never happy about it, giving up or losing Ty, but its for the sake of myself, i can't keep doing this to myself. I think that's what's so hard, giving something up when you swore you would never give up again (i used to give up all the time) and give up something you love.
Well asking for help. Sorry to dissapoint you all, it's been rough,
Hikari
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3 comments:
hey hikari,
I don't know if cleo-chan can imagine better than me, but I can. and you haven't been rough at all.
you remember when I first answered your topic on nagareboshi? it was like saying "hey, I've got exact the same problem!" or "jokingly, aren't we talking about the same guy?". well, that's the first things that went through my mind when I read your post. You may remember my posts when I tried to get over him. It was also like that that we still talked but it was always one-sided ... I think you remember my story.
I can completely understand you, especially about the fact that you weren#t yourself anymore. Now, after being "normal" again myself, I realize that I wasn't either. My guy also was kinda a drug to me ... Back then, Ialso made up a topic at nagareboshi about this, maybe it will help you:
http://z15.invisionfree.com/nbmanga/index.php?showtopic=2037
at least I hope so ^.~ Well, mostly I think you should try to eliminate those voices in your head. What helped me was: working. Do anyhitng but nothing which has to do with him, try to be self-confident ... try to smile to the world ^.~! Even if it might be hard at the beginning, but it will get better in time. And throughout these points, you may see Ty from another, more objective point of view.
And then you will find that even him isn't prefect -.- With my guy it was the same. You and him also were friends at the beginning, weren't you? After I confessed to my guy, he suddenly was very far away ... he wasn't the same person anymore. And after some time, he ignores me completely. To be honest, sometimes this even hurts me today, but only sometimes.
Every persons takes more or less time for themselves to be able to say goodbye to that person. Perhaps it sound hard, but I think you should not even try to feel anything for him. It not about being cold-hearted ... I hope you know what I mean @.@
What helped me a lot, was that final-conversation thing ... but I don't think that would be such a good idea in your case, wouldn't it?
What's important for me is that you become yourself again, at least that you're happy again. Who needs a guy like Ty, if he is that wa`y?! During your whole last posts, I recognizes something was wrong with you, but I couldn't name it. Please, become the person again who cheered me up and was the first to say something to my problem.
Please, hikari ... *missing you*
*hugging you a thousand times*
tokomi-chan
P.S. Maybe this will also help you: To forget him, I somewhat told myself thatmy guy back then was another person (it goes similar with that reincarnation-thing I wrote about in my posts)
Hope this all will help you. Supporring you forever, tokomi
P.P.S. But you will continue posting, won't you?
Hikari...
waah. I.. don't know what to say. It's kind of shocking.
From all things you told us about him, I never expected Ty to be like that - or to change to someone like that. I am sorry, if I say something rude or.. offensive. But I am really disappointed and I can't understand how he can do this to you.
At first, please watch out for your health. You need to eat properly. Don#t let it get you down. It will get you nowhere if you get sick or something, okay?
Another thing is..
Yes, I know it is hard to forget. I probably don't know it as good as Tokomi does, but I can imagine it very well. People try to forget about something, because they are hurt by it. but sometimes they get even more hurt, while trying to forget.
I would not try to just "erase him from your memory". But try to proceed slowly. Don't think that you need to forget him all the time. But try to focus on other things. Maybe try out new things, doing sports or whatever you like, it should be just fun and something you like and that needs your attention, kay?
And as Tokomi already said: Well, mostly I think you should try to eliminate those voices in your head. What helped me was: working. Do anyhitng but nothing which has to do with him, try to be self-confident ... try to smile to the world ^.~!
I think that'd be good.
Also it isn't necessary to look for a new guy. why? I don#t think it's the right time for that. Trying to fall in love with a new guy just for the sake of forgetting Ty. That isn't good.
Yes, you are giving up. But isn't it a little positive in ths case? You're giving up for your own sake. It (rather TY) does hurt you, and you want to get rid of that. You need to pull yourself together and continue living.. without Ty. It's a new start. I am sure you will do it.
The world doesn't revolve around him. Think of yourself, and try to get self confidence.
Good luck.
Carrie
*blush*
Normally I always had been the first to help you these days and now the other two totally took what I wanted to say but it might be good for you to hear it my way and I hope it's not bad that i repeat some parts because I think they are verry important:
Well first of all: I have often try to fall out of love with someone!! It's a quite hard progress and you need friends at your side (as you have because we#re here for you)!!!! ; )
On the other hand i'm not really the best person for this giving up thing because with my Greenie I tried it so often but ... *sighs*
I think it#s as Tokomi and Carrie said: Focus on something new!! Try your best and see everything as a new start!! The world was made to be conquered by you!! xD
But please do not try to fall in love with another guy it wuld be unfair for him and often hurting for you so it's the last thing to do!!
You need to repare yourself, your soul!! Maybe do some wellness!! Maybe you should also write a letter to Ty (you don't have to give it to him)!! Just to make an ending!!
If you feel like it you could also try to deal with this problem by painting or writing ( I often do so) and then you need to motivate yourself!! Just go in front of a mirror and say "I'm Hikari and i'm good the way I am and I'm going to live my dreams!!" (I do so often, my mum always told me because I'm not that selfconfident!!) ;)
When you need someone to talk to, remember that here is a small magical girl listening to you and trying to help you!!
I hope you find yourself again and that my words helped you!!
*hugs you sooooo much*
Cleo
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