The more support the more he seems to slip away

Well i know it's been a while and i really do feel bad that i haven't written in so long. I've been feeling horrible, both because of Ty and school. Its kinda stressful but i guess it's kinda my fault he isn't talking to me. Its cause im such a coward and can barely look at him, and i realized why he stopped sending the *kiss* messages in march and everything. I went over some of his old blog entries ( a private blog on MSN) and i had critized him so much. I didn't mean to, but now it seems as if everyone thinks i am in love with my best friend, Travis, WHICH IM NOT. Ty and Craz still hang out and i think i'm the one holding the grudge now. Craz doesn't bother me anymore but it seems now i'm acting like her and it's horrible! Now im the one that can't tolerate her! This autumn change plan isn't starting out too good for me. I seem to be changing in the wrong ways, being even more scared of Ty, ignoring him thus he ignores me. I need to tell him, only a few more months and he'll be moving (i walked past his house the other day and there was a "For Sale" sign, i thought i was going to cry right on his driveway but i walked past as fast as i could). It's not good i really need help!

But it seems, plus to all of you guys i have a Role playing circle of friends that are helping me as well, and also a friend on deviantART who is going through a similiar situation (i want to deticate this to you and tell you i really send my regards vampire-zombie). So it seems even though i have many people rooting for me telling me I just need to go up and tell him directly and to have courage i'm letting all of you down which makes me feel horrible. I need to get to a point where i can forget all of that and just go up and be totally direct, but of course im nervous around him, i have a HUGE fear of rejection, and many others. Why do i always make everything so difficult!? I dont know what to do, if only he COULD read this.... Maybe he would understand how i felt even though i can't tell him.

I will not cry but i am now searching for courage as i struggle to keep up a steady pace on the road to love,
Hikari

P.S. By the way the anklet i had been fixing over the past two years broke once again but with all the bad things that have been happening i don't know if i should put it on again or not. Maybe all this luck and such is all hooey and useless. I'm totally unsure.