OK quickie cause I gotta get to school:
Well I think this is a case of give people the advice I should take myself. Had a total meltdown yesterday, but like really really bad. I think it was the fact that I was PMSing as well as my mind is trying to get me to think things and my mom is saying I just have multiple personalities. Hell ya i do and i can't get all these friggin voices out of my head! So now it seems as if I'm just having Ty being the center of all my problems (and puberty) so I'm really getting at myself (e.g. in only 20 min i went from total selfish, whiny smart a** to crying wreck saying I hate myself to completly normal and wanting to do something to anxiety and heavy breathing and freaking out over myself and then crying wreck again..... really annoying). So now im normal I think cause i went to bed at like 8. Didn't eat. Didn't do anything. Just crashed. And i woke up really early (as you can see i'm writing this entry in the morning here) to do my homework. I haven't gone to bed that early in........ eons. It's amazing. But i feel better now.
I just think the problem is, I wonder if Ty realizes more than i think he does. Cause remember i did that experiment 2 weeks ago? Well now it's almost like he's giving it back to me. I'm sending him plenty of txts and stuff but he's not answering me and I'm trying really hard to smile all the time but when he won't even acknowledge me how can I? This is worrying me. Plus i never got to talking with Craz but now she's acting like she wants to be best friends with me, it's REALLY wierd. She hasn't hassled me and I haven't heard her go on and on on lies (although she still talks to obnoxiously) but now she's just plain annoying. And it doesn't seem Ty is talking to EITHER of us. WHAT IS GOING ON!? Well gotta go, got school in an hour and i still reak of chlorine from the pool last night.
The road is missing!?
Hikari
Another song I think explains how I feel, Sunkissed by iLo:
"He's got a nice sounding name like an O' Holliday
And if you share with me the old times
I'm sure we could lay awake a while
There's a thousand year heat wave
Smoking my head
And if the sun could kiss a new day
I'm sure that we would stay in bed a while
Don't stop breathing if you're stuck in a well
There's a hole in the sky and you're stuck in a shell
But the ground that you're standing on belongs to you
Like a bubble or a bee all things go up and down
Don't forget to look up at the sky
At the stars, and the trees, and the moon and the night
Don't forget that tomorrow is a brand new day
Like a bubble or a bird all things go up and down..."
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3 comments:
okay okay ^^ will also post in a while cause I was ill this week, means nothing at happend muhc at mine.
but at your OMG!!!! hikari, well I think first to craz cause it's easier:
well, the weird it seemes to be, be glad she wants to be frineds wth her, but maybe make clear thourhg your attitude or something like this (if nothing other helps tell her sraight but just as a last rescue?! @.@)that it's just about small-talk or somehting or let her think that you are or will be friends. You need nothing more just to get your peace ... Do you get what I mean?
Well, to Ty: Why should he do this? Did you tell him about this experiment? it would be kind of bad of him (at lest that's waht I think) can you imagine ny reason for him doing this?
I know that you're down ... I also had this ^^ evyrbody has this sometimes. if you're seemingly not able to smile, let it be! cry for it ... and when you cried enough, smile again. okay, and what does Ty specificly? doesn't he wlk home with you anymore, e.g.? -.- guys are terrible at times.
hope I'll help you out because you did so much for me. *hugging you while crying*
hug you in yur dreams. ^^ tokomi
Hey Hikari!!
As Tokomi already said "OMG"!! my first thought as i've just read you entry!!
Well about this break down thing:
I'm really really often having something like this!! You know I start crying because of some stupid reason then I start screaming and hating myself becuase I was crying and then have to cry more!!
I think you sometimes need this to not break down totally!! I always feel better after that!! It's like letting out all the negative energy!!
About Craz:
I really don't get what this person must be thinking or what she actually wants!! I think it would be good to keep her on somekind of distance but making her believe you don't hate her!! This might bring you some peace!
About Ty: Either he is really doing this because you did that before or (which is in my opinion more likely)he is just not thinking about what he does!! Because as you told us some time ago he was like "sorry I didn't want to worry you" so why should he now be doing so? Don't worry I think it'll get fine again!!
Also on your side!!
Cleo
thanks everyone! Well for Craz i don't think anyone will understand her but after seeing her the other night with her parents she has obviously told her mother "what i think of Craz" which could be a lie cause her mom just turned her head away from my parents and i. I think her mom gives her all her ideas and i like her mom but what was she thinking!? I 'm not going to be friends with her and i already respect her but im not gonna let it get more than that. I won't treat her like crap or avoid her just for who she is but im not going to be friends with her and im not going to talk much with her. As long as she keeps to herself and trying to make me look bad its all good.
To Ty: I didn't tell anyone about my experiment and I really just don't understand. Its like he's lost some heart or somethin. Gotta talk to Favi about this but i walked home with him and Hun the other day and no one, not even Ty and Hun said a whole thing the whole half hour. The only sound was Ty's blasting iPod which was at least better than silence but no words what so ever. I was too nervous to say anything but this was also the first time he hasn't turned to me and ask why i was so quiet like all other times. I tried talking to him last night but he only said a few words then signed out, i was really frustrated.
But he doesn't sit with Craz at lunch anymore, he doesn't wait for her to go to/from school anymore, he doesn't even go outside the french room to wait for her like he always did (i always have to pass him since the chinese room is one room down from the french). He doesn't acknowledge her OR me. Like i said i gotta ask Favi if he's ignoring her too.
But on the same day as the silent walk home, he was there when i came out of band, standing at the corner down the hall. I was rough-howsing with my guy friend, Travis (who like half of the people i know plus some of my friends think i like him or we're going out WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT THE CASE, although i think he likes me since he's the one that broke up with the ALANA girl. we just really rough house A LOT and beat each other up and stuff for fun. i really dont know why we just like teasing each other but i really really really dont like him) right infront of Ty and all the way down the hall as we passed Ty and i stopped and looked right at Ty. He looked at me and i sparked a smile and mouthed "hey" really kinda flirty which i didn't mean to do <3. But then Travis and i started beating each other and yelling and stuff with all our other big group of friends and i think Ty followed behind us to class but other than that i think he MAY have wanted to talk to me since he didnt walk with anyone else. It's all Travis's fault i couldnt talk to him.... I'm going to punch him on monday.
Missing Ty who does happen to be online at the moment but i won't talk to him in fear he won't want to talk,
Hikari
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