How to Start Over (that would be a good song title)

Ok well I know Cleo you are probably crying now I haven't been on in so long. I guess it really has taken its toll. But it has just been awkward, yknow? (and busy!) anyway, we're having break for a week so hopefully that'll give me time to try to wrap my head around my life. But I don't do you even want to hear about Ty? Do you even care anymore? Does anyone?
... Well I can't really say much. We put each other in a position of "break". We didn't have a fight, nothing happened really (well maybe Craz but she wasn't a big contributer [note she doesn't talk to either of us now]) but we just took a break from existence so to speak. It started when i started to ignore him purposefully for a week to see what would happen which resulted in a habit of ignoring and then he did the same thing. And that's the thing we're not upset at each other, we don't not want to talk. We just don't know what to say. It's like whatever comes out of either of our mouths will be totally wierd. Loss for words much, right?
Like today/yesterday, I'll be hanging out with some friends and he'll come up to talk and they'll give him hugs and say hi and then im the last one and we kinda just glance at each other really quick and then just forget. We don't even say hi. I think telepathically we do but we just can't actually squeeze it out. It's just like a break in time that we both happen to skip over.
And if i was smart and posted a few weeks ago, I said i was going to take a break from worrying so much about Ty but it seems now i have and haven't. I don't worry about him as much anymore but he was gone all week because of sickness then I got sick and I had to go to school for the last hour for a test and then he showed up and I looked him right in the eye and I about fainted. I think it was cause I had a high fever I all of a sudden overreacted cause i didn't expect him to be there but the next day I was fine. But just awkward things like that just kind of stump us both.... at least it LOOKS like he thinks the same... I don't know. I can't ask. Just wierd.

But he did get WoW back and invited me to play which was like the first time he had talked to me in like.... 6 weeks? it was a happy 5 min and 20 words but hey, he talked to me :D. He didn't forget me. He asked ME to play WoW with him :D. I dont know that makes me feel special, as long as I am not forgotten. My one dilemma is trying to figure out how to get out of this "break" that kind of dug its way into both our lives.
Miss you all, especially you Cleo,
Hikari

P.S. Cleo I have my rough for that drawing I said I would do for you eons ago

P.S.S. Tell Tokomi about me if you can if she even cares anymore since I know she doesn't really come on.

P.S.S.S. I'm thinking of changing my layout again....

Short leave to Italia!

Well indeed yes I will be gone the next couple days to go on vacation in Italia, searching for delectable food, the true local side of Napoli, and of course, hot Italian guys ;P! So i will be keeping another blog going ( http://slice-o-bread.livejournal.com ) that you are welcome to comment on, I'll try to post everyday since I'm not bringing my computer for the first time ever and I need to use an internet cafe in or nearby the hotel. But a quick Ty update:

Well it's been kinda rough and I guess I was kind of an idiot about him breaking up with Favi for..... he broke up with her like a month ago.... around the time he started ignoring me. So now i feel like a bit of an idiot but I still remain caught in the labyrinth. I've been beating myself up all week, thinking if I should just give up because I kept being all negative and telling myself there was little hope. But thank god thank god thank god someone was there to help me out. I talked to Hun and just by a few simple words he switched my whole mood and thought around! I don't know how he does it but he has a gift even if he barely ever talks. So i hadn't talked to Hun much either but he is pretty much the only guy I actually feel totally safe around, just cause I don't know, he makes me not worry so much. So i told him that I was terribly sorry for ignoring everyone as well and if he still wanted me to. I do agree I was worrying too much about annoying them and annoying Ty. But he said that they really liked having me around and that they'd wish I'd come and walk with them again and not to worry. He just makes me soo happy <3! So now I'm able to smile with courage and I barely think badly about myself anymore ^^. I still worry about whether or not Ty likes me but I'm going to keep smiling and hopefully it'll become easier and easier to be around him. I was able to talk to him without thinking so much today. It felt good.
Well wish me luck in Italia please stay intouch!

Making her way graciously through that labyrinth,
Lovestruck Hikari

P.S. I'll be in Germany (munich the time in [16th] and Frankfurt [26th] on the way out). I won't see you guys but at least I'll feel close, ne? ^^

Knocking at my loudest

ok quick post. he hasn't recieved the message i think yet because i havent said hi and thus the previous message doesnt show up. But now after much contemplation im going to do it and make sure he knows. My heart is beating so fast >_<
PLEASE LET ME IN TY! Please....

With hope (and a slight head cold),
Hikari

P.S. He did seem worried about me yesterday and he gave me a starry gaze (at least maybe i viewed it wrong since im so inlove with him) today, kya! WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!

I've reached the doors at the city of love, it's his turn to decide to let me in. Yup I told him! :D

Yup. Indeed i told him. He hasn't found the message yet, but i told him how i feel. Totally direct, no hints or anything. I feel really good now, carefree and relieved that i got it over with it. And even though i'm scared for the response (and he is still going out with Favi which is also a problem that may get in the way) i'm not going to let it bother me. It'll be painful to take rejection but if i can send a note like the one i did then I can handle a rejection! *pride*
I sent the note
("Hey i know this is kinda sudden but i just wanted to say i still really like you. And i know we dont talk much anymore but i just wanted you to know since it's been on my mind since last summer. have a good night then (or whatever time of day it is) and maybe i'll see you around if you're still willing to talk to me.") late last night while he was offline so he will get it whenever he signs into MSN. I'm not going to hide, i will hear what he has to say. But last time i sent something while he was offline he didn't receive it for a week. So he may recieve it today, or he may recieve it a week from now, who knows. But as long as i don't worry myself so hard anymore I think i'll be safe from beating myself up inside. Plus my RPG forum supporters all told me to look up and that that there is a 4/5 chance he'll accept, i have my doubts on that but it still makes me happy to hear.

But a couple things aside since i actually can't really think of what else to say to such a great event:

1. If you haven't noticed i changed my avatar, the girl looks a lot like me my friends tell me and she is also my 2nd favorite manga character. The guy on the right is the main character of the manga who coincidently has black hair (like Ty) and is a popular pairing with my fave character there ^^

2. ok this is kinda lame but my friend did thise little test/thingy where they choose random things and even though its different answers everytime i actually ended up with being together with Ty in the end which really surprised me cause i didn't even choose the options on who i would be with and i didn't even know she knew i actually remotely thought about Ty. And we also coincidently ended up in Chicago which is both are favorite city and i have a high chance of going to because of college that is interested in me and vice versa. So it was kinda odd.

3. I have plenty of people i want to thank for helping me with everything:
- Everyone on the SB (karin, omni, Hollow, burned, seawolf, knight, and many many more)
-Vampire-zombie on dA (once again i hope you feel better too)
- And most of all, all of you that first helped me so many months ago, Cleo, Tokomi, and Carrie. THANK YOU ALL >o< !!!!!!

Oh my gosh, he just signed in *heart beating at a million miles a minute, seriously*
Knocking and knocking on the door,
Hikari

The more support the more he seems to slip away

Well i know it's been a while and i really do feel bad that i haven't written in so long. I've been feeling horrible, both because of Ty and school. Its kinda stressful but i guess it's kinda my fault he isn't talking to me. Its cause im such a coward and can barely look at him, and i realized why he stopped sending the *kiss* messages in march and everything. I went over some of his old blog entries ( a private blog on MSN) and i had critized him so much. I didn't mean to, but now it seems as if everyone thinks i am in love with my best friend, Travis, WHICH IM NOT. Ty and Craz still hang out and i think i'm the one holding the grudge now. Craz doesn't bother me anymore but it seems now i'm acting like her and it's horrible! Now im the one that can't tolerate her! This autumn change plan isn't starting out too good for me. I seem to be changing in the wrong ways, being even more scared of Ty, ignoring him thus he ignores me. I need to tell him, only a few more months and he'll be moving (i walked past his house the other day and there was a "For Sale" sign, i thought i was going to cry right on his driveway but i walked past as fast as i could). It's not good i really need help!

But it seems, plus to all of you guys i have a Role playing circle of friends that are helping me as well, and also a friend on deviantART who is going through a similiar situation (i want to deticate this to you and tell you i really send my regards vampire-zombie). So it seems even though i have many people rooting for me telling me I just need to go up and tell him directly and to have courage i'm letting all of you down which makes me feel horrible. I need to get to a point where i can forget all of that and just go up and be totally direct, but of course im nervous around him, i have a HUGE fear of rejection, and many others. Why do i always make everything so difficult!? I dont know what to do, if only he COULD read this.... Maybe he would understand how i felt even though i can't tell him.

I will not cry but i am now searching for courage as i struggle to keep up a steady pace on the road to love,
Hikari

P.S. By the way the anklet i had been fixing over the past two years broke once again but with all the bad things that have been happening i don't know if i should put it on again or not. Maybe all this luck and such is all hooey and useless. I'm totally unsure.

The Road is Missing!?

OK quickie cause I gotta get to school:
Well I think this is a case of give people the advice I should take myself. Had a total meltdown yesterday, but like really really bad. I think it was the fact that I was PMSing as well as my mind is trying to get me to think things and my mom is saying I just have multiple personalities. Hell ya i do and i can't get all these friggin voices out of my head! So now it seems as if I'm just having Ty being the center of all my problems (and puberty) so I'm really getting at myself (e.g. in only 20 min i went from total selfish, whiny smart a** to crying wreck saying I hate myself to completly normal and wanting to do something to anxiety and heavy breathing and freaking out over myself and then crying wreck again..... really annoying). So now im normal I think cause i went to bed at like 8. Didn't eat. Didn't do anything. Just crashed. And i woke up really early (as you can see i'm writing this entry in the morning here) to do my homework. I haven't gone to bed that early in........ eons. It's amazing. But i feel better now.
I just think the problem is, I wonder if Ty realizes more than i think he does. Cause remember i did that experiment 2 weeks ago? Well now it's almost like he's giving it back to me. I'm sending him plenty of txts and stuff but he's not answering me and I'm trying really hard to smile all the time but when he won't even acknowledge me how can I? This is worrying me. Plus i never got to talking with Craz but now she's acting like she wants to be best friends with me, it's REALLY wierd. She hasn't hassled me and I haven't heard her go on and on on lies (although she still talks to obnoxiously) but now she's just plain annoying. And it doesn't seem Ty is talking to EITHER of us. WHAT IS GOING ON!? Well gotta go, got school in an hour and i still reak of chlorine from the pool last night.

The road is missing!?
Hikari

Another song I think explains how I feel, Sunkissed by iLo:

"He's got a nice sounding name like an O' Holliday
And if you share with me the old times
I'm sure we could lay awake a while
There's a thousand year heat wave
Smoking my head
And if the sun could kiss a new day
I'm sure that we would stay in bed a while

Don't stop breathing if you're stuck in a well
There's a hole in the sky and you're stuck in a shell
But the ground that you're standing on belongs to you
Like a bubble or a bee all things go up and down
Don't forget to look up at the sky
At the stars, and the trees, and the moon and the night
Don't forget that tomorrow is a brand new day
Like a bubble or a bird all things go up and down..."

The Preparation for the Great Battle

Who thought this road could have such a battlefield in the middle of it? And of course I can't get past to the City of Love until this great battle is over. I guess life is never easy is it.

Whelp i should've seen this coming but i guess for once i didn't. I know i haven't written in a while but now i do have something to write on. A battle. And i bet you can guess with who. Yup, Craz. Basically, all our friends really want us to stop hating each other and they said that we don't have to be friends but we just can't hate each other anymore. And of course I'm not going to get any closer to being with Ty unless I overcome Craz. So i must fight until I can continue and get near Ty again. Both Craz and I know we are going to have to figure this out I just hope that she realizes this is a battlefield of just the two of us. No army and no friends. I don't know what i'm going to do if she brings someone like Ty into it but for now i won't focus on that. But i wished we could settle this peacefully and easily from the start but after plenty of times of trying to do that, that is no longer possible. It won't be good but at least we'll try to keep this civil.... I hope. Here are some examples of me trying to settle this peacefully:

1st Fight
Time: April-ish
Communication: Direct, IM
On: Her attitude
I was still friends with her but she didn't like me being friends with others so she always lied about me saying mean things to her and telling people i hated her when infact I still sat with her and talked to her all the time and didn't even remotely hate her. I confronted her by sucking up and that pretty much got me nowhere. After that was when i found out she lied about everything and that she had been telling bad stuff about me behind MY back. (i know! the dreaded soap opera i hoped i'd never run into when i switched over to hanging out with guys two years ago. GUESS NOT!)

2nd Time
Time: Early summer
Communication: IM
On: Lying, Attitude, Friends, Care
Probably the biggest fight we have had, this one was over instant messenger and lasted probably around 4-5 hours! This was about her lying, self-obsession, gossiping, and overall personality issues. The funny part is that first she started out like it was my fault then went on about excuses then went to that i was an idiot and then she had a problem and she told me it was my responsibility as a "friend" to solve other people's problem (in this case her's ) then to the conclusion that all her unhappiness is all my fault and i'm the worst person and im the person that got her all screwed up and im just jealous and that I just try to ruin her life for fun (which i definetly am not and don't!). So as you can see she pretty much did a circle arguement which i now because my dad does the same thing (starts out saying one thing then argues their way over to the opposite opinion by the end of an arguement and totally confusing you and telling you it's all your fault and you are stupid even though by the end you share the same opinion and just don't know it, yes i know VERY manipulative.)
1. My fault, I don't pay enough attention to her, I don't "worship" her
2. She accepts she has a problem but i'm the person that's supposed to help her because I'm her "best friend" and I need to fix all her personal problems
3. A big mini arguement about her lying, which she STILL denies even though i have full proof and she has been banned from deviantART for art theft more than 5 times! Imitation: "Oh no i drew this! These people just copied me!" ya right! it is so noticeable its art theft idiot!
4. Another big mini arguement on her hypocracy and how she always puts down people and is mean even though she does the same thing. She still does this an also won't admit it. She blames it on me and says im the hypocrite and everything, when im not cause i stick to my word. And also calling me negative when she was talking about how screwed her life is and she is so emo two hours earlier and i was the one trying to cheer her up then and then i hated her by the end of the arguement.
5. I caused all her unhappiness, I'm just jealous of her so i try to ruin her life and make her look bad

So ya after that arguement i blocked her cause she started calling REALLY bad names and using the F-word A LOT even though she yells at everyone for just saying sh*t but now she like cusses alllll theee timmmeee!

3rd Time
Time: Early September
Communication: Direct, infront of Ty
On: Lying, Her attitude, her manipulation, her rumors/gossip, taking my friends, controlling others, her "i'm god do whatever i tell you" outlook
Ok I don't think i talked to anyone about this except Cleo. Basically I was walking to school and I saw Ty and Craz walking together so i waited and started walking with them. Immedialty Craz says: "We don't you walking with us go find your own friends since you seem so pre-occupied with me". i shot back and we faught the whole way to school. Everything i told her she was doing to me and all the things about her lying and such, she would rebuttel and say that's what i did. Ty didn't come in between us and he turned his iPod up super high so he couldn't here us. But she acted as if Ty was her piece of property and still does and she kept saying i was the negative one who is self-concious and talking smack about her and is just jealous because she can draw better than me which 1) she cant 2) i could care less cause im not too big on drawing anymore, its not even a hobby. i just do it when i am bored so i don't care who's better anymore anyway! I was totally pissed that whole day. And this was also after i told Ty about her lying and he didn't believe me. I don't really know now if he still thinks im jealous of her (which for the final time i will make clear I AM NOT JEALOUS AND I HAVE NO REASON TO BE CAUSE I DON'T WANT OR NEED ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE AND AM PERFECTLY HAPPY [except of course Ty but he doesn't have to do with Craz in that way]). So then i did an experiment a week ago where i completly ignored Ty and would see if he would ask why i was. He didn't ask the whole week but it was kinda funny cause when Craz saw i wasn't paying attention to Ty she didn't bother to talk to him much either. And she really is jealous of me i think because she's like questioning me and because ive done French for 8 years now she's trying to learn French and trying to speak it to people and get them to think she is part French along with British, Australian, Japanese, Scottish, and many many other nationalities even though she is morman from Utah who's last name i believe is either Irish or British. Wow she really is screwed up.


So now here i am and everyone is sick of us two keeping everyone out of line so i need to start this battle soon or this hell is going to continue. What i need from you guys is all this weekend im going to be working up strategies and things i need to avoid when getting into this hopefully final arguement that ends in a way we both agree with and it doesn't happen again. I'm asking only a few other friends and my wise mother but i have all weekend to brainstorm. I'll probably try to talk to her next week and try to settle this also since next week is a 4-day week. So how should i confront her? What do you suggest i: start out with, try to avoid, try to fix and how to do it peacefully? Stuff like that! Please everyone help and maybe even have others try to help, any advice is good advice!!!

And Cleo talked about how she wantes to change and how autumn is only a few days away it is the perfect time to change. I think if i can get through this battle successfully i can use that as my start to change. Change with Craz. Change with my friends. Change in myself. And Change with Ty.

please help so i can get to the road that lay beyond the battlefield,
Hikari

P.S. sorry if i sound needy or pathetic i just really need help especially from all you: Carrie, Cleo, and tokomi! I just want to settle this so i can get on with my life