Alright well yes I still like him. And yes he dumped the mystery girl for Melissa. I don't know my hatred for him shall cast over my like for him and I think I'll be able to handle him until he moves. God, he is just so arrogant. I will still type and even though I don't like him as much as I used to I will say I just want to yell at him. And I'm not even the "give the yelling to the guy that broke the never-really-an-ex-girlfriend's heart" kind of person but for now that's how I feel, I'd have the guts I know I would. And I was talking to my friend and I always wondered why she never really cared about liking someone or going out with someone and I realized after reading some writing, she really just hates most guys. Cause most guys are just stuck up and think they are amazing and that they can get a girlfriend and dump her all willy-nilly. We are friends with a few guys but most of them don't have girlfriends or at least don't dump them after a month, and they're the first to realize that there is no point in using a girl like a disposable tissue. I think that's why we accept them. But for now I think I'm going to have to deal with the fact that Ty has joined the majority of guys who use girls like tissues and are off in their own "high and mighty world". (and it also seems he is doing that to most of his friends as well but I'm not going to bother getting information on that)
Maybe I'll try to start liking the guy I liked before Ty. We had known each other for like 10 years and I just saw him a week ago for the first time in three years and him and his parents were the same as always. He is polite, and very smart (after we got out of our international school he went into a very elite, expensive private school, so he's very grandiose) and just very nice to be around, and he has manners thank god. I mean yeah like polar opposite from Ty. Although I think I have some curse, all guys I like or used to like all started playing the drums.... like me. Back last year when Ty still liked me he started playing, there is this hot underclassmen I play with in the school jazz band (drums) but he has too many girls and I'm not gonna bother cause he's and underclassmen but he's just good looking (and taller, I'm really short trust me), and now the guy I used to like for so long picked it up not too long ago. Haha awkward right?
Well headin out for the city today to do some shopping at some cool vintage boutiques.
Taking votes on when Ty will dump Melissa. I've got mid-January.
Miss you all,
Hikari
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Maybe Someday But Never Today
Well, I know you were all dreading this. It's really hard to write even. I'm giving up. Actually no, I'm TRYING to give him up. Yes, Ty. At first, when he "went out" with Favi I was fine, I thought it was just like y'know, not that big of a deal. When he dumped her because he liked TWO girls instead of paying attention to the fact he broke some nice girl's heart because she wasn't good enough anymore, I just worried about if one of the girls was me. Now after never talking to him, being out of his life ENTIRELY, I just beat myself more. I got so friggin close to becoming an anorexic just cause I thought it was all my fault that he wouldn't go out with me.
Then a week ago, I'm walking out of gym and there he is, surrounded by girls I DON'T KNOW, hugging one and all her friends laughing and people walking past and whistling and telling him he should hook up with her. I was in shock and that had ruined my day (no I didn't eat). I asked around to the friends of that girl (since she was the only one I knew) and they said:
"Well, all I know is that Ty already has a girlfriend but he likes Mel (the girl he was hugging that I know) but he doesn't want to dump his girlfriend for her. And all Mel's friends want to go out with Ty and want Mel to go out with Ty."
Once again, all this in one day I thought I was going to vomit. I wanted to vomit. I felt like shit. Writing this now is making me feel like shit, but I shall continue.
I was furious and jealous and sad all at the same time. He was like every low guy and girl in the school that just skips around and never comits to anything. THey just go out for a month (sometimes less) and then dump them because they don't like them anymore or they're are boring when usually the girl/boyfriend actually tried to hang out and the guy/girl who didn't care and ignored him/her and then blamed it on her by saying "I don't like you anymore" or "we never talk" and he/she dumps them. I have always, always, ALWAYS hated this soooooooo much and I could never,ever handle that which is why I never have but I have seen it repeated over time and time again. Which is why I have hated so many guys for trying to go out with me for I know they would do that. But Ty. TY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! He was never like this. He was never arrogant or threw away girls like they're dispossable. He never would do that. Would he? Or has I been cast under his spell all this time that he would have done it to me as well? Are all guys the same after a while?
So the one thing I know. No not that love sucks. I know I can't give up love cause then I would go into major "anti-love" mode and probably be some spinster frump for the rest of my life and never get out of some deep of depression. And plus you guys would come all the way over here and kick my @$$. But I know I need to forget him, cause obviously Ty forgot me a way long ago. I'm never getting him back anytime soon. And he's moving away in June. If I ever fall inlove with him again it will be if he moves back to Chicago (his hometown) where he loves and where I know I'm going (not because he likes it, I have always liked it and I have family there and my top choice for college is over there) when I do, but other than that he'll never like me as long as he's under 18, it's impossible. So I should forget him too or else I'm going to be a mess and beat myself up for not ever being able to date him.
No matter how much I hate him for being so cruel, no matter how much I wanna punch him and yell at him for manipulating my mind to the point where he takes it over and wipes out any sign of joy, motivation, and independence without even knowing I exhist.... I still can't get over him. That's my biggest problem that I all need you to help me with. My friends on Sora Scans tell me to just find a new guy to like but even if I try that I still can't get the Ty-that-enrages-me-so-much out of my head. I just need a way to get over him , to know that I don't need him.
Little insert:
Ever since I came under his spell I really never was myself, I changed completely and it was like I had 3 sometimes more voices in my head, all argueing with each other. They told me what to do and what not to do and it wasn't me... telling me what to do. Even in situations where Ty had nothing to do with it, they were there, and I hated them. They were like multi-personas, who wants that when all they do is disagree!?
So how do I get rid of this drug that Ty is? How do I quit? How do i accept the fact I'm giving up? I will say I am never happy about it, giving up or losing Ty, but its for the sake of myself, i can't keep doing this to myself. I think that's what's so hard, giving something up when you swore you would never give up again (i used to give up all the time) and give up something you love.
Well asking for help. Sorry to dissapoint you all, it's been rough,
Hikari
Then a week ago, I'm walking out of gym and there he is, surrounded by girls I DON'T KNOW, hugging one and all her friends laughing and people walking past and whistling and telling him he should hook up with her. I was in shock and that had ruined my day (no I didn't eat). I asked around to the friends of that girl (since she was the only one I knew) and they said:
"Well, all I know is that Ty already has a girlfriend but he likes Mel (the girl he was hugging that I know) but he doesn't want to dump his girlfriend for her. And all Mel's friends want to go out with Ty and want Mel to go out with Ty."
Once again, all this in one day I thought I was going to vomit. I wanted to vomit. I felt like shit. Writing this now is making me feel like shit, but I shall continue.
I was furious and jealous and sad all at the same time. He was like every low guy and girl in the school that just skips around and never comits to anything. THey just go out for a month (sometimes less) and then dump them because they don't like them anymore or they're are boring when usually the girl/boyfriend actually tried to hang out and the guy/girl who didn't care and ignored him/her and then blamed it on her by saying "I don't like you anymore" or "we never talk" and he/she dumps them. I have always, always, ALWAYS hated this soooooooo much and I could never,ever handle that which is why I never have but I have seen it repeated over time and time again. Which is why I have hated so many guys for trying to go out with me for I know they would do that. But Ty. TY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! He was never like this. He was never arrogant or threw away girls like they're dispossable. He never would do that. Would he? Or has I been cast under his spell all this time that he would have done it to me as well? Are all guys the same after a while?
So the one thing I know. No not that love sucks. I know I can't give up love cause then I would go into major "anti-love" mode and probably be some spinster frump for the rest of my life and never get out of some deep of depression. And plus you guys would come all the way over here and kick my @$$. But I know I need to forget him, cause obviously Ty forgot me a way long ago. I'm never getting him back anytime soon. And he's moving away in June. If I ever fall inlove with him again it will be if he moves back to Chicago (his hometown) where he loves and where I know I'm going (not because he likes it, I have always liked it and I have family there and my top choice for college is over there) when I do, but other than that he'll never like me as long as he's under 18, it's impossible. So I should forget him too or else I'm going to be a mess and beat myself up for not ever being able to date him.
No matter how much I hate him for being so cruel, no matter how much I wanna punch him and yell at him for manipulating my mind to the point where he takes it over and wipes out any sign of joy, motivation, and independence without even knowing I exhist.... I still can't get over him. That's my biggest problem that I all need you to help me with. My friends on Sora Scans tell me to just find a new guy to like but even if I try that I still can't get the Ty-that-enrages-me-so-much out of my head. I just need a way to get over him , to know that I don't need him.
Little insert:
Ever since I came under his spell I really never was myself, I changed completely and it was like I had 3 sometimes more voices in my head, all argueing with each other. They told me what to do and what not to do and it wasn't me... telling me what to do. Even in situations where Ty had nothing to do with it, they were there, and I hated them. They were like multi-personas, who wants that when all they do is disagree!?
So how do I get rid of this drug that Ty is? How do I quit? How do i accept the fact I'm giving up? I will say I am never happy about it, giving up or losing Ty, but its for the sake of myself, i can't keep doing this to myself. I think that's what's so hard, giving something up when you swore you would never give up again (i used to give up all the time) and give up something you love.
Well asking for help. Sorry to dissapoint you all, it's been rough,
Hikari
Friday, November 21, 2008
How to Start Over (that would be a good song title)
Ok well I know Cleo you are probably crying now I haven't been on in so long. I guess it really has taken its toll. But it has just been awkward, yknow? (and busy!) anyway, we're having break for a week so hopefully that'll give me time to try to wrap my head around my life. But I don't do you even want to hear about Ty? Do you even care anymore? Does anyone?
... Well I can't really say much. We put each other in a position of "break". We didn't have a fight, nothing happened really (well maybe Craz but she wasn't a big contributer [note she doesn't talk to either of us now]) but we just took a break from existence so to speak. It started when i started to ignore him purposefully for a week to see what would happen which resulted in a habit of ignoring and then he did the same thing. And that's the thing we're not upset at each other, we don't not want to talk. We just don't know what to say. It's like whatever comes out of either of our mouths will be totally wierd. Loss for words much, right?
Like today/yesterday, I'll be hanging out with some friends and he'll come up to talk and they'll give him hugs and say hi and then im the last one and we kinda just glance at each other really quick and then just forget. We don't even say hi. I think telepathically we do but we just can't actually squeeze it out. It's just like a break in time that we both happen to skip over.
And if i was smart and posted a few weeks ago, I said i was going to take a break from worrying so much about Ty but it seems now i have and haven't. I don't worry about him as much anymore but he was gone all week because of sickness then I got sick and I had to go to school for the last hour for a test and then he showed up and I looked him right in the eye and I about fainted. I think it was cause I had a high fever I all of a sudden overreacted cause i didn't expect him to be there but the next day I was fine. But just awkward things like that just kind of stump us both.... at least it LOOKS like he thinks the same... I don't know. I can't ask. Just wierd.
But he did get WoW back and invited me to play which was like the first time he had talked to me in like.... 6 weeks? it was a happy 5 min and 20 words but hey, he talked to me :D. He didn't forget me. He asked ME to play WoW with him :D. I dont know that makes me feel special, as long as I am not forgotten. My one dilemma is trying to figure out how to get out of this "break" that kind of dug its way into both our lives.
Miss you all, especially you Cleo,
Hikari
P.S. Cleo I have my rough for that drawing I said I would do for you eons ago
P.S.S. Tell Tokomi about me if you can if she even cares anymore since I know she doesn't really come on.
P.S.S.S. I'm thinking of changing my layout again....
... Well I can't really say much. We put each other in a position of "break". We didn't have a fight, nothing happened really (well maybe Craz but she wasn't a big contributer [note she doesn't talk to either of us now]) but we just took a break from existence so to speak. It started when i started to ignore him purposefully for a week to see what would happen which resulted in a habit of ignoring and then he did the same thing. And that's the thing we're not upset at each other, we don't not want to talk. We just don't know what to say. It's like whatever comes out of either of our mouths will be totally wierd. Loss for words much, right?
Like today/yesterday, I'll be hanging out with some friends and he'll come up to talk and they'll give him hugs and say hi and then im the last one and we kinda just glance at each other really quick and then just forget. We don't even say hi. I think telepathically we do but we just can't actually squeeze it out. It's just like a break in time that we both happen to skip over.
And if i was smart and posted a few weeks ago, I said i was going to take a break from worrying so much about Ty but it seems now i have and haven't. I don't worry about him as much anymore but he was gone all week because of sickness then I got sick and I had to go to school for the last hour for a test and then he showed up and I looked him right in the eye and I about fainted. I think it was cause I had a high fever I all of a sudden overreacted cause i didn't expect him to be there but the next day I was fine. But just awkward things like that just kind of stump us both.... at least it LOOKS like he thinks the same... I don't know. I can't ask. Just wierd.
But he did get WoW back and invited me to play which was like the first time he had talked to me in like.... 6 weeks? it was a happy 5 min and 20 words but hey, he talked to me :D. He didn't forget me. He asked ME to play WoW with him :D. I dont know that makes me feel special, as long as I am not forgotten. My one dilemma is trying to figure out how to get out of this "break" that kind of dug its way into both our lives.
Miss you all, especially you Cleo,
Hikari
P.S. Cleo I have my rough for that drawing I said I would do for you eons ago
P.S.S. Tell Tokomi about me if you can if she even cares anymore since I know she doesn't really come on.
P.S.S.S. I'm thinking of changing my layout again....
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Short leave to Italia!
Well indeed yes I will be gone the next couple days to go on vacation in Italia, searching for delectable food, the true local side of Napoli, and of course, hot Italian guys ;P! So i will be keeping another blog going ( http://slice-o-bread.livejournal.com ) that you are welcome to comment on, I'll try to post everyday since I'm not bringing my computer for the first time ever and I need to use an internet cafe in or nearby the hotel. But a quick Ty update:
Well it's been kinda rough and I guess I was kind of an idiot about him breaking up with Favi for..... he broke up with her like a month ago.... around the time he started ignoring me. So now i feel like a bit of an idiot but I still remain caught in the labyrinth. I've been beating myself up all week, thinking if I should just give up because I kept being all negative and telling myself there was little hope. But thank god thank god thank god someone was there to help me out. I talked to Hun and just by a few simple words he switched my whole mood and thought around! I don't know how he does it but he has a gift even if he barely ever talks. So i hadn't talked to Hun much either but he is pretty much the only guy I actually feel totally safe around, just cause I don't know, he makes me not worry so much. So i told him that I was terribly sorry for ignoring everyone as well and if he still wanted me to. I do agree I was worrying too much about annoying them and annoying Ty. But he said that they really liked having me around and that they'd wish I'd come and walk with them again and not to worry. He just makes me soo happy <3! So now I'm able to smile with courage and I barely think badly about myself anymore ^^. I still worry about whether or not Ty likes me but I'm going to keep smiling and hopefully it'll become easier and easier to be around him. I was able to talk to him without thinking so much today. It felt good.
Well wish me luck in Italia please stay intouch!
Making her way graciously through that labyrinth,
Lovestruck Hikari
P.S. I'll be in Germany (munich the time in [16th] and Frankfurt [26th] on the way out). I won't see you guys but at least I'll feel close, ne? ^^
Well it's been kinda rough and I guess I was kind of an idiot about him breaking up with Favi for..... he broke up with her like a month ago.... around the time he started ignoring me. So now i feel like a bit of an idiot but I still remain caught in the labyrinth. I've been beating myself up all week, thinking if I should just give up because I kept being all negative and telling myself there was little hope. But thank god thank god thank god someone was there to help me out. I talked to Hun and just by a few simple words he switched my whole mood and thought around! I don't know how he does it but he has a gift even if he barely ever talks. So i hadn't talked to Hun much either but he is pretty much the only guy I actually feel totally safe around, just cause I don't know, he makes me not worry so much. So i told him that I was terribly sorry for ignoring everyone as well and if he still wanted me to. I do agree I was worrying too much about annoying them and annoying Ty. But he said that they really liked having me around and that they'd wish I'd come and walk with them again and not to worry. He just makes me soo happy <3! So now I'm able to smile with courage and I barely think badly about myself anymore ^^. I still worry about whether or not Ty likes me but I'm going to keep smiling and hopefully it'll become easier and easier to be around him. I was able to talk to him without thinking so much today. It felt good.
Well wish me luck in Italia please stay intouch!
Making her way graciously through that labyrinth,
Lovestruck Hikari
P.S. I'll be in Germany (munich the time in [16th] and Frankfurt [26th] on the way out). I won't see you guys but at least I'll feel close, ne? ^^
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Knocking at my loudest
ok quick post. he hasn't recieved the message i think yet because i havent said hi and thus the previous message doesnt show up. But now after much contemplation im going to do it and make sure he knows. My heart is beating so fast >_<
PLEASE LET ME IN TY! Please....
With hope (and a slight head cold),
Hikari
P.S. He did seem worried about me yesterday and he gave me a starry gaze (at least maybe i viewed it wrong since im so inlove with him) today, kya! WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!
PLEASE LET ME IN TY! Please....
With hope (and a slight head cold),
Hikari
P.S. He did seem worried about me yesterday and he gave me a starry gaze (at least maybe i viewed it wrong since im so inlove with him) today, kya! WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I've reached the doors at the city of love, it's his turn to decide to let me in. Yup I told him! :D
Yup. Indeed i told him. He hasn't found the message yet, but i told him how i feel. Totally direct, no hints or anything. I feel really good now, carefree and relieved that i got it over with it. And even though i'm scared for the response (and he is still going out with Favi which is also a problem that may get in the way) i'm not going to let it bother me. It'll be painful to take rejection but if i can send a note like the one i did then I can handle a rejection! *pride*
I sent the note
("Hey i know this is kinda sudden but i just wanted to say i still really like you. And i know we dont talk much anymore but i just wanted you to know since it's been on my mind since last summer. have a good night then (or whatever time of day it is) and maybe i'll see you around if you're still willing to talk to me.") late last night while he was offline so he will get it whenever he signs into MSN. I'm not going to hide, i will hear what he has to say. But last time i sent something while he was offline he didn't receive it for a week. So he may recieve it today, or he may recieve it a week from now, who knows. But as long as i don't worry myself so hard anymore I think i'll be safe from beating myself up inside. Plus my RPG forum supporters all told me to look up and that that there is a 4/5 chance he'll accept, i have my doubts on that but it still makes me happy to hear.
But a couple things aside since i actually can't really think of what else to say to such a great event:
1. If you haven't noticed i changed my avatar, the girl looks a lot like me my friends tell me and she is also my 2nd favorite manga character. The guy on the right is the main character of the manga who coincidently has black hair (like Ty) and is a popular pairing with my fave character there ^^
2. ok this is kinda lame but my friend did thise little test/thingy where they choose random things and even though its different answers everytime i actually ended up with being together with Ty in the end which really surprised me cause i didn't even choose the options on who i would be with and i didn't even know she knew i actually remotely thought about Ty. And we also coincidently ended up in Chicago which is both are favorite city and i have a high chance of going to because of college that is interested in me and vice versa. So it was kinda odd.
3. I have plenty of people i want to thank for helping me with everything:
- Everyone on the SB (karin, omni, Hollow, burned, seawolf, knight, and many many more)
-Vampire-zombie on dA (once again i hope you feel better too)
- And most of all, all of you that first helped me so many months ago, Cleo, Tokomi, and Carrie. THANK YOU ALL >o< !!!!!!
Oh my gosh, he just signed in *heart beating at a million miles a minute, seriously*
Knocking and knocking on the door,
Hikari
I sent the note
("Hey i know this is kinda sudden but i just wanted to say i still really like you. And i know we dont talk much anymore but i just wanted you to know since it's been on my mind since last summer. have a good night then (or whatever time of day it is) and maybe i'll see you around if you're still willing to talk to me.") late last night while he was offline so he will get it whenever he signs into MSN. I'm not going to hide, i will hear what he has to say. But last time i sent something while he was offline he didn't receive it for a week. So he may recieve it today, or he may recieve it a week from now, who knows. But as long as i don't worry myself so hard anymore I think i'll be safe from beating myself up inside. Plus my RPG forum supporters all told me to look up and that that there is a 4/5 chance he'll accept, i have my doubts on that but it still makes me happy to hear.
But a couple things aside since i actually can't really think of what else to say to such a great event:
1. If you haven't noticed i changed my avatar, the girl looks a lot like me my friends tell me and she is also my 2nd favorite manga character. The guy on the right is the main character of the manga who coincidently has black hair (like Ty) and is a popular pairing with my fave character there ^^
2. ok this is kinda lame but my friend did thise little test/thingy where they choose random things and even though its different answers everytime i actually ended up with being together with Ty in the end which really surprised me cause i didn't even choose the options on who i would be with and i didn't even know she knew i actually remotely thought about Ty. And we also coincidently ended up in Chicago which is both are favorite city and i have a high chance of going to because of college that is interested in me and vice versa. So it was kinda odd.
3. I have plenty of people i want to thank for helping me with everything:
- Everyone on the SB (karin, omni, Hollow, burned, seawolf, knight, and many many more)
-Vampire-zombie on dA (once again i hope you feel better too)
- And most of all, all of you that first helped me so many months ago, Cleo, Tokomi, and Carrie. THANK YOU ALL >o< !!!!!!
Oh my gosh, he just signed in *heart beating at a million miles a minute, seriously*
Knocking and knocking on the door,
Hikari
Friday, October 3, 2008
The more support the more he seems to slip away
Well i know it's been a while and i really do feel bad that i haven't written in so long. I've been feeling horrible, both because of Ty and school. Its kinda stressful but i guess it's kinda my fault he isn't talking to me. Its cause im such a coward and can barely look at him, and i realized why he stopped sending the *kiss* messages in march and everything. I went over some of his old blog entries ( a private blog on MSN) and i had critized him so much. I didn't mean to, but now it seems as if everyone thinks i am in love with my best friend, Travis, WHICH IM NOT. Ty and Craz still hang out and i think i'm the one holding the grudge now. Craz doesn't bother me anymore but it seems now i'm acting like her and it's horrible! Now im the one that can't tolerate her! This autumn change plan isn't starting out too good for me. I seem to be changing in the wrong ways, being even more scared of Ty, ignoring him thus he ignores me. I need to tell him, only a few more months and he'll be moving (i walked past his house the other day and there was a "For Sale" sign, i thought i was going to cry right on his driveway but i walked past as fast as i could). It's not good i really need help!
But it seems, plus to all of you guys i have a Role playing circle of friends that are helping me as well, and also a friend on deviantART who is going through a similiar situation (i want to deticate this to you and tell you i really send my regards vampire-zombie). So it seems even though i have many people rooting for me telling me I just need to go up and tell him directly and to have courage i'm letting all of you down which makes me feel horrible. I need to get to a point where i can forget all of that and just go up and be totally direct, but of course im nervous around him, i have a HUGE fear of rejection, and many others. Why do i always make everything so difficult!? I dont know what to do, if only he COULD read this.... Maybe he would understand how i felt even though i can't tell him.
I will not cry but i am now searching for courage as i struggle to keep up a steady pace on the road to love,
Hikari
P.S. By the way the anklet i had been fixing over the past two years broke once again but with all the bad things that have been happening i don't know if i should put it on again or not. Maybe all this luck and such is all hooey and useless. I'm totally unsure.
But it seems, plus to all of you guys i have a Role playing circle of friends that are helping me as well, and also a friend on deviantART who is going through a similiar situation (i want to deticate this to you and tell you i really send my regards vampire-zombie). So it seems even though i have many people rooting for me telling me I just need to go up and tell him directly and to have courage i'm letting all of you down which makes me feel horrible. I need to get to a point where i can forget all of that and just go up and be totally direct, but of course im nervous around him, i have a HUGE fear of rejection, and many others. Why do i always make everything so difficult!? I dont know what to do, if only he COULD read this.... Maybe he would understand how i felt even though i can't tell him.
I will not cry but i am now searching for courage as i struggle to keep up a steady pace on the road to love,
Hikari
P.S. By the way the anklet i had been fixing over the past two years broke once again but with all the bad things that have been happening i don't know if i should put it on again or not. Maybe all this luck and such is all hooey and useless. I'm totally unsure.
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